Realmscapes

The Voice of God (and the Wide-awake Nothing)

I am as guilty as anyone of accusing God unfairly, and making Him into something He is not. I have never accused Him of not listening or not being around--in fact quite the opposite. Because I know He always listens and is omnipresent, that is where I have accused Him most harshly. Ask my wife how many times over the last years I have stated that God is unjust because He listens but never speaks to me, is omnipresent but never does anything to help my situation.. or provide oppurtunity so I can help me help my situation--I don't expect God to clap his hands and fix my (or anyone else's) predicaments.

One of my favourite songs out there is from the Spider-Man 2 movie soundtrack called "Ordinary" (by Train). There is a part in the beginning of the song that goes:

And when the world is on its knees with me it's fine
And when I come to the rescue I get nothing but left behind
Everybody seems to be getting what they need; where's mine?

That last line I would especially sing because I knew God was always listening, but I wouldn't always hear the first line (duh--afterall I would be admitting there that I'm fine when things are going my way) and the second line I should be ashamed of because traditionally I scorn songs that are full of "whiny bitchin" (FFF's "Superman" is a song I loathe for instance--always have). But it was how I felt (and the song in general isn't whiny at all, was my excuse).

The point is, I was struggling with ever-worsening anxiety issues due to...well everything my fool head could come up with. You see I never quite got over my childhood hypochondria, I have been dealing with a very bad debt problem for about six years that has tag teamed with severe unemployment, and the one person that always made these kinds of things all better--my grandmother--is no longer around, PLUS I am always fighting my "Pre-Reformed Martin Luther" complex (someone with this complex believes that God is out to punish them for past transgressions regardless of the assurance of God's forgiveness through repentance and Christ's Death and Resurrection)... ALL a good recipe for disaster.

And so the best place I could direct my frustration and pain is the same place most humans vent these things: Up. And so I did, often and frequently. Little did I know that God had had enough of my crap.

Fast-forward to May 5th & 6th. My wife has been gone to Texas (for almost two weeks now) for her three-month basic training and I am an emotional wreck. But on that weekend I became aware of something: dead silence; the kind of silence you will hear in the vacuum of space. I don't remember a lot about that weekend--even the days that book-end that weekend all run together in my mind. But I know that I touched insanity. I know that I was in that Valley of Death spoken of in Psalm 23. I know that I experienced what Han Solo described as "a big wide-awake nothing" (when he was "frozen" in the carbonite block). For on those days I came to know what life is like where God is silent. And I came to realise in that Silence that the path to those days was of my own making; and I came to realise that God's Voice has always been omnipresent, and most especially in these last five years...

I met Kas in the Summer of 2002. She went to Germany for several weeks. And when she came back I found myself seeking her out. I didn't know why then, but God did. You see, it was just as things in my life were heading into the Valley mentioned earlier. So Kas has been with me through the worst of it. And although I got better for a little while, I still wasn't making much progress and I was still not getting (accepting is probably more accurate) that God was talking and trying to help me through Kas's love and understanding and soft touch of her hands. Letting Kas help me was the "easy way". And when that didn't work (he gave me a solid four years, and then some) He set me on the path that led right through the heart of the Valley of Death.

Now in that part of the Valley there are two paths: you can Die or you can Live. Being a Christian, there is really only one choice since Life is not something we can take from ourselves. And even though you choose to Live, you still want to Die. But God doesn't let you. Evenso--EVEN then--God is still there. You still have this knowledge but you have to really humble yourself--to reconnect your knowledge (your brain) with your acceptance (your heart)--in order to feel Him. And when you do it is like that ray of unexpected sunlight through the grey clouds.

I found His presence on those darkest of days. It came in the form of a memory of an event that had happened not a week before. On that particular Saturday (April 28th) I had just entered what I now know to have been the gates to that dark Valley. It was the first day that I realised that Kas was going to be gone for quite awhile, that I was going to be alone, and that each day was probably going to drag like molassess. The despair I felt on that day was nothing like I was going to feel in the coming days and weeks but it was bad enough ..kinda like after you have recovered from the flu and you think back to that first day you realised that you were going to have what you thought was going to be just a nasty cold. Anyway, on that day I remember wishing that I could hear Kas's voice, if only for a moment.

The phone rang...and there she was. She was there for barely a minute because (unbeknownst to me at the time) she was at the end of a week of hell of her own and a minute was all she had; the phone call was simply so that she could give me her address. But even through the misery I was ignorant of she still managed to squeeze in an "I'm alright" and an "I love you"...and then she was gone.

(At the time of this writing) Kas doesn't know that story, but in that moment God showed His infinite mercy and love. For in that phone call He gave me my own phial of light, like the Light of Elendil that Galadriel gave Frodo before the Fellowship left Lothlorien--a Light to use when all other light ceases to exist on the journey. And on that following weekend, when the Valley of Death choked all other light, I remembered that one minute phone call. I reached for that memory and the Phial of Light was activated. And there was God, standing there, Hand outstretched--He hadn't abandoned me or my wife in this Choking Void; that even though we had still far to travel in that Valley of Thorns and Crags, even though we were separated and could not help each other directly, yet somehow He was with both of us in That Desolate Place.

It doesn't matter that very little sentiment was said in that all-too-brief phone call. It will remain in my heart as the day that I realised that the beautiful voice of my wife is the same calm "low whisper" heard by Elijah.

The Voice of God.

Tales of the New Republic, Animated Style

Here's a cool way to celebrate the 30th Anniversary of that "galaxy far, far away"...

You can visit the official website, but there isn't any information there right now.. just some screenshots and a link to the same trailer as above. But maybe there will be more updates there in the future. The biggest mystery is whether or not this is a fan project or an official one...

Happy 30th Anniversary, STAR WARS

Star Wars.

Some curse it. (Like probably my Sister, who had to listen to me watching the films upteenth million times--and she has good company out there with similar experiences with brothers, husbands, boyfriends.. who may have become EX-boyfriends thanks to Princess Leia.)

But those like me are grateful to it. For many fans, the saga of that galaxy far away changed their lives, some more prfoundly than others. In my life, Star Wars has had an immeasurable impact and it is in listing all these impacts that I intend to celebrate the 30th Annivesary of this film.

Personal Friendships ...Thanks to Star Wars, I count some very deep friendships amongst my blessings. One of my deepest is with my friend Charlie. If you (are I) are ever going to blame someone for my love and passion for these films, he's the one. Before Charlie I had never seen A New Hope in its entirety (for some reason I always happened across it on TV and always at the Battle of Yavin). Charlie's family picked up the last video versions in 1995 before the Special Editions were released two years later. We watched all three films that afternoon/night. I was hooked from the opening scenes above Tatooine and I have never looked back. ...Another friendship that came as a result of Star Wars is Jeremy. That friendship has winded down some very interesting and varied paths for more than a decade, and they led to him being the Best Man at my wedding. Jeremy has been there through the rough times and the easy ones, more the former than the latter, but I hope the scales tip back very soon. ...Ken, Jacob, Dan, Abel, Joe, Steve, Steve, Jason--all awesome friendships either borne out of Star Wars or solidified by it. All people that I am most grateful and honoured to call "Friend" and with who I look forward to continuing to traverse life's paths with.

Gaming ...Many of my friendships (named and unnamed) came about from a little phenomenon called the Star Wars Customizable Card Game. And through the Star Wars CCG I learned or strengthed many skills and personal qualities e.g. leadership, honour, integrity, self-confidence, marketing, writing, networking, game design, organisation, and good sportsmanship.

Creative Success ...Many of my first breaks in the worlds of writing and gaming are a direct result of my Star Wars friendships and gaming. The most obvious is the long line of articles I contributed to Scrye Gaming Magazine that started with Star Wars (and eventually led to articles on gaming in general as well as coverage for The Lord of the Rings, Highlander, WWE card games). ...Steve DeChellis was Connecticut's first Star Wars CCG tournament director. For some reason neither of us can really pin down ;-D we became friends. This professional freindship led to us trading ideas for game designs. Out of one of those designs I created a set of sword-dueling mechanics intended for use with the Highlander franchise. Those mechanics were twice nearly bought by a gaming company (who at the last minute both times decided they didn't want to invest in the franchise). Even though that didn't work out, Steve has gone on to become successful in the arena of game design and we hope to partner for a game based on my wife's fantasy universe at some point in the (near) future. ...Abel Pena and I met after he read one of my "Letters to the Editor" for an issue of the Dark Horse comic series Star Wars: X-Wing. Abel introduced me to a group known as "the Star Wars Fanboy Association". Through this group I also met Joe Corroney. Joe is a fantastic artist and with his support (and my credentials as a freelance writer writing Star Wars CCG article for Scrye) I achieved the ultimate goal in the freelance writing world: an assignment and published credit with an official Star Wars publication (Star Wars Gamer). The article was so successful that I was given a second assignment. ...Also through this group I achieved some professional contacts that helped me get a high volunteer position with TheForce.Net (TFN) as that site's content mananger for their Card Game section. I got to know one of the co-founders of TFN very well so that when the co-founders started up their own comic book company, I was assured a very good chance at getting a creator-owned comic book project (of which my wife is the "creator-owner") published by them--maybe no guarantee of publishing, but certainly the best oppurtunity I've had to date.

Star Wars has been very good to me, and continues to be so. And even with all the success and fun and friends I have made, the movies still continue to be held most special to me on a deep and personal level. For at its heart, Star Wars is a story of Good over Evil, Courage over Fear, Faith over Doubt, and Love over everything.

Happy Anniversary, STAR WARS!

Quote for 2007, Week 21

"You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you."

   Ray Bradbury

Quote for 2007, Week 20

"A blank page is God's way of showing you how hard it is to be God."

   Anonymous

Quote for 2007, Week 19

"When you dive into a pit easy, there is nothing to do but to crawl out hard."

   Jim Carmody, The Left Hand of God

The Pit of Faithlessness

Rush made an interesting comment (late last week I think). He noted how agencies like the FDA come out with all these health warnings because man is looking to prolong its life. (At the same time is the theology of man-made global warming which ironically both falls in line with this objective of limited immortality and also hates it--for the longer man lives, the more time he has to pollute, right? Another debate for another day.)

In the end it all boils down to the same sinful desires and ends: Control, Pride, Vanity--and Control is what I mean to speak of today. To the unbelieving world, if man can control what he puts into his body then he can also control how long that body will survive, or such is the logic. Which tells me that these people are afraid of death. And why: because it may just be that Christians are right and there really is a God above. And acknowledging the existance of God is the great inner human struggle. For as long as there is God there must be accountability and there cannot be man-made greatness.

At the end of the first season of Highlander, it is revealed that there is a group of mortal men intent on eliminating the Immortals from the Earth. These men refuse to allow for there to be one single Immortal left in the end to rule over mankind. "It's about power," the main villain screams at Duncan's desperate inquiry. "There is nothing greater than the Power of Man!" he adds. That script was written in 1993, but the mantra is the same old one throughout the ages. Christ tells us to be like Him, but replacing Him is not what he means.

I cannot figure out why we cannot see that the more we strive for control, the worse things get for us. It doesn't matter whether it is one country versus another or the invisible war inside of our minds. I suffer from a debilitating problem of control. Unfortunately I was not fully aware of it until my wife left for three months. All of a sudden I am in an apartment all by myself without her physical presence in a city that is still very new to me. I have always believed myself strong enough to need as few people in my life as possible in terms of companionship. These last weeks I have reaped the bitter fruit of this sentiment that I cultivated for so many years. What makes it worse is my cretive mind.

Normally a blessing to anyone, the creative mind can be the worst enemy of someone who tries to control the environment around him. As that mind creates new and more terrible scenarios of destruction or calamity, the world surrounding that mind becomes smaller and smaller, until not even God can fit in the small space. And then the day comes when that mind realises it is living in a vacuum--the silence is deafening, maddening on some days. There is a weight on the mind that was never apparent until that moment. And when that realisation comes it is devastating. You can go to a doctor with symptoms of "panic attacks" and "social anxiety" but there is little they can do. The mind is ailing. You cannot operate on the mind. Sure there are medicines to control chemicals and functions of the brain, but those medicines are ineffective against the real problem: the absence of faith in something beyond one's self. For a Christian in this predicament--a Christian who consoled countless others with the assurance that there is a power greater than all of us controlling everything--the days are dark and filled with the bitterness of the irony of his new existance.

As someone who has filled the last several years with increasing accusations to God for being silent on problems while clearly talking to others about theres, I should have seen this pit coming. When I spoke that God was silent I had no idea what I was talking about until these last several days; the lack of God's voice is a terrible experience and you never want to invoke or accuse God to experience it.

In The Left Hand of God Bogart's character makes a statement in the movie: "When you dive into a pit easy, there is nothing to do but to crawl out hard." The pit I should have seen coming I dove into thinking it would protect me from whatever it was I could not control. So here I am making the hard crawl out on my belly with my only real hope being to strengthen a faith that I regretfully--even if unwittingly--weakened. Faith is the seed of the Christian life and while I was busy trying to exhibit control over my environment I should have been sewing the seeds of Faith to replenish the crops I was using as my daily food and for charity.

Quote for 2007, Week 18

"It doesn't matter how many times they knock you down. It matters how many times you can get up"

   David Ortiz